No Answer, But a Hell of A Lot Of Song

I wonder what it’s like to be high, to see the world through a drug-induced veil, to alter your perception of everything. I wonder what it’s like to feel light and laugh at nothing and everything at the same time. Though I am curious, I will probably never seek enlightenment.

Because I also wonder what it’s like not to live in paralyzing fear that every cop you pass is going to tell you that your mother overdosed again, but this time the dog didn’t have to pee and your step-dad didn’t awake to her labored breathing. I wonder what it’s like to be happy when a family member calls instead of staring at the caller ID terrified to answer because you aren’t sure what news the call brings.

I wonder what it’s like to be able to have a surgery and not be in excruciating pain because you flushed the Percocet as soon as the prescription was filled because you don’t want to abuse them and get addicted. I wonder what it’s like to not have two generations of pill addicts preceding you.

I wonder what it’s like to be taken to the hospital after a car accident by my mother because she is concerned about my well-being and not because she knows she can score some Valium and Percocet.

I wonder what it’s like to have a mother force you to school when you are trying to play hookie instead of trying to convince you that you have fibromyalgia and need pain relievers.

I wonder what it’s like to sit and visit with family instead of following your mother around—even into the bathroom—because you know that she is looking to steal some pills.

I wonder what it’s like to take “I have a headache/stomach ache/virus” at face value instead of knowing that it’s really withdrawal because your mother blew through her prescription for the month too quickly, and she can’t steal from work because it’s not quite time to “destroy” medication.

I wonder what it’s like to be proud to follow in your mother’s footsteps as a nurse instead of wondering if your genetic predisposition to addiction and access to medication will be too much of a temptation.

I wonder what it’s like to not have to pull up the WebMD app to make sure that it’s actually just Tylenol you’re taking because you’ve accidentally drugged yourself a few times too many by stupidly assuming the pills inside match the bottle.

I wonder what I could have gotten on my ACT if my mother didn’t drug me with Xanax before taking it because I was nervous.

I wonder what it’s like to be a child and not have to worry about being a parent to your brother…or your mother for that matter.

So, as much as I would love to find out what it’s like to be high, I want my children to find out what it’s like to live in a home free from substance abuse and addiction, and that trumps the former.